The Super Mario Bros. Movie
The Super Mario Bros. Movie is playing in theaters at the time of writing. Rated PG. Common Sense says 7.
STORY: C+
Perhaps you’ve heard of the game, Super Mario. It's a fun game, full of amusing arcade mysteries. When you enter a pipe, you have no idea where you’ll pop out. When you hurl your head into a golden box, Lord knows what will happen.
By comparison, the movie contains little mystery. Its straightforward, bare bones plot reminds me of a Christmas tree. You can almost picture the screenwriters bringing up a tattered box from the basement, picking out their favorite shiny Nintendo ornaments (the Punch-Out Pizzeria, for example), and hanging them on the story’s plot with glee while listening to their favorite Mario carols.
The plot doesn’t really matter at all. It’s only there to hold billions of shiny nostalgic Nintendo references. It’s not Shakespeare, but it is a ton of fun.
PEOPLE: B-
I am thrilled that you will finally get to see your favorite Mario character on the big screen. Do I know your favorite character? No. Will you see it on the big screen? Yes. Because every single one of them is here.
You won’t learn anything new about the characters. You won’t discover any mind blowing backstory details. You won’t see them in a new, improved light. The screenwriters feel no need to tinker with or develop them any further. They know the audience wants the Mario they’ve always known and loved. It’s the right call.
FILM NERD STUFF: B+
The film’s soundtrack evokes the late 80s/early 90s vibe of Super Mario’s golden era to a tee. It’s got a-ha and AC/DC. Beastie Boys and Bonnie Taylor. If you weren’t there, these songs let you know what it felt like. If you were, you’re happily back in heaven.
The movie has a handful of original songs as well. Jack Black’s little ditty, Peaches, will crawl into your ear, snuggle up under some warm blankets, and refuse to leave. It’s an unbelievably catchy tune in that “kinda annoying/kinda not” kinda way. I saw the film with my eight year old son. Let’s just say that before the song was even halfway over, he turned to me with a look that made it clear that Peaches would need to be added to our drive-to-school Spotify playlist before the next morning, or there would be consequences.
A SOUND MIND (Elective Class): A
Full disclosure: I am not a Super Mario (the game) fan. My disdain for the game can be traced back to the entirely unfair Bielefeld Basement Taking Turns on Nintendo Act of 1987. This disgusting policy stated that each person in our group of friends would be allowed to play one game of their choosing. Once said game was finished, the next person could select a game and commence with their turn. Repeat.
This appears fair at first glance, but there was a huge problem. I was a Punch-Out guy. I lived to match wits with Glass Joe, Bald Bull, Mr. Sandman, and King Hippo before finally battling Mike Tyson himself. But a game of Punch-Out usually lasted little more than ten minutes. The Bielefeld brothers preferred Super Mario. And because they owned not only the Bielefeld Basement but also the NES within that Bielefeld Basement, they were really good at Super Mario. Each of their games would last close to an hour. I was left moping on the beanbag chair, dreaming of slugging Glass Joe in the gut one more time, and listening to … those sounds.
Those sounds. Ding. Ding. Ding. Bleedle-dee! A man - a musician, actually - named Koji Kondo created the sounds of Super Mario. Evil or otherwise (the decision is yours), you have to recognize the man’s genius. No catchier tune has ever been written.
Whenever I hear those familiar sounds, I’m not transported to the Mushroom Kingdom. I’m transported to my friends’ basement. I’m transported to that feeling you get when you’re hanging with great friends (even when they insist on passing unfair turn-taking policies). There’s a warm and fuzzy energy you get from spending time with your best friends. And whenever I hear those sounds, that feeling comes racing back.
The Super Mario Bros. Movie sprinkles those sounds throughout the film with a manipulative brilliance. Call it neuroscience. Call it Pavlov’s dog. Call it hippy dippy foo-foo stuff. A dose of dopamine surges through my brain with every ding, and it feels so good.
FINAL COMMENTS:
The Super Mario Bros. Movie doesn’t want to change the world. It wants to remind us of its place in it. … a very fun, nostalgic place that fans of the game will want to visit often.