Morbius
Morbius is playing in theaters at time of publication.
SCREENPLAY: D-
Michael Morbius is a world renowned blood borne disease specialist who became a world renowned blood borne disease specialist because he was born with a blood borne disease. He devotes his entire life to the pursuit of a cure, finally trying the experimental treatment he created on himself. He grows claws, fangs, and an all around unfavorable attitude.
The story is not a vital element of this movie. I’ve seen movies that don’t make sense in the way normal stories make sense. But sometimes the parts mystically congeal to create something amazing. It’s like how bananas and bacon don’t make any sense when they’re sitting next to each other on the counter, but eating them together? Wow. That combo is something marvelous.
This story is not marvelous. It jumps around randomly. Seemingly important things happen suddenly and are just as swiftly forgotten. Characters want things, then they get the chance to have them, and then they unbelievably don’t take them. The story leaves a taste in your mouth, and it’is most definitely not banana and bacon.
ACTING: C+
No one in the film gives a bad performance, but few deliver a fantastic one. Jared Leto definitely brings the creepy. He’s somehow less creepy once he turns into the vampire than he is before. His friend Milo (played by Matt Smith of Doctor Who fame) brings a lot of rage. Why rage? It’s not clear, but that’s the story’s fault and not Matt Smith’s. His rage is quality. And even though I brought my microscope with me to the theater, I couldn’t find a single atom of chemistry between Adria Arjona’s Martine and Morbius. But again, that’s the story’s fault and not hers.
CRAFT: C+
What do editors do? Think of editors as people who put together jigsaw puzzles for a living. Sometimes all the puzzle pieces are in the box, and it’s easy to snap everything together. The picture looks great. and exactly the way we pictured it would before putting it all together. But what about when half the pieces are missing? Then the editor professional jigsaw puzzler is jamming pieces together, maybe busting out the scissors and cutting pieces up so they fit. All while arranging the pieces they’ve got not into the picture on the box, but into something else. A picture that doesn’t look and feel like a complete mess. So it’s hard to tell if the editing is horrific or magnificent. Maybe the director delivered everything needed to make the movie everyone pictured when they began shooting. Or maybe the editor took a mess of a shoot and transformed it into something decent. We’ll never know.
The scene where the nurse is walking down the dark hallway. is brilliant. It feels like when your basketball opponent tells you exactly what move he’s going to do and when he’s going to do it. You’re positive you can stop him, but then he does it and still flies by you like you’re standing still and completely posterizes you. We know exactly what’s going to happen in the scene. We know where the scare is coming from. Yet it still succeeds in freaking us out. It’s awesome.
This grade won’t be higher because of the CGI. Whoever did the CGI are great at their jobs and did an amazing job with it. But so much of it makes what you see incredibly confusing.
HOW TO ESCAPE ARREST (Elective Class): D+
People inject themselves with syringes full of bat DNA. People grow sonar echolocation abilities. People fly through subway tunnels at ludicrous speed. But none of these things are close to being the most unbelievable thing that happens. It’s actually how Morbius never gets noticed as he gallivants around town without getting arrested. I love it when there are APBs out for a character, when there are wanted posters on every telephone pole, when there are constant news blasts asking to “Report this man if you see him,” … and yet they stroll about town like it ain’t no big thing. If you plan on committing a crime that will get the police hot on your tail, do not take notes here. Jared Leto should have been spotted and arrested three hundred eighty-seven times. It actually suits the tone of the film, so I won’t be flunking Morbius in this category. But he seriously needs to study up on how not to get arrested.
FINAL COMMENTS
An analogy, followed by a translation:
Analogy: (this is another one of my favorite movie tropes) A very large, dangerous looking person (let’s call this person “Jeff”) has snuck into another person’s living room. The other person (much smaller than Jeff … let’s call him Frank) comes home, completely unaware of his impending doom. Jeff stands up. Frank is startled. Jeff walks toward Frank. Frank realizes there is no hope, so he starts flinging anything he can get his hands on at Jeff. A flimsy paperback book bounces harmlessly off Jeff’s chest. Jeff catches the pack of plastic sporks and crushes them in his hand. The feather duster doesn’t stop Jeff. Neither does the half empty container of tic tacs! Frank, frankly, is doomed. Jeff will not be defeated.
Translation: Frank is Sony and Jeff is the MCU. The paperback, sporks, feather duster and tic tacs are the Sinister Six. Sony is doing everything it can with them, trying either to stop the MCU or be the MCU. Morbius will dent MCU’s armor as well as the half empty container of Tic Tacs will.
It’s hard not to look at this movie through this lens: Sony’s attempt at copying Marvel’s success. But if you can take those glasses off, Morbius turns into a flawed, fun, silly thriller. Movies don’t need to be perfect to be loved. If you love origin stories, dig your action a bit on the silly side, or enjoy shaking your head and giggling at big picture nonsense, you will probably enjoy this movie.