Madame Web
Madame Web is playing in theaters at the time of writing. Rated PG-13. Common Sense says 11.
STORY: D
The script feels like staring at one of those connect-the-dots pictures before the dots are connected.
Saved at birth by a tribe of magic spider-people in the Peruvian Amazon, Cassie Web now splits her adult hours between driving an ambulance for FDNY and rejecting any and all acts of kindness from her fellow human beings. After she survives a near fatal drowning, she gains the ability to see into the future. She reluctantly chooses to use this newfound power to prevent a madman who’s plotting the murder of three teenage girls.
Someone once said that stories are just like human life but with the boring parts cut out. Madame Web agrees, but often pushes that point of view to extremes. How so, you ask? Let’s look at one example (of many).
Cassie takes what must be a 70 hour+ journey to the Amozonian wilderness. Do we need to follow Cassie for every step of that journey? Of course not. I’m glad we don’t. Most of that trip was beyond boring, definitely. HOWEVER.
One second, Cassie is standing in a cheap motel parking lot in upstate New York. The next, she’s roaming the Amazonian wilderness. Inserting a simple five second montage of her trip instead of using a jump cut would make it much easier to understand what’s happening.
PEOPLE: D-
An impressive group of actors fails to impress.
Films don’t need to be full of Oscar worthy performances in order to be good (see: Star Wars, Eps. 1-6). If it’s a strong story and it’s well told, audiences won’t fret over less than stellar performances. Unfortunately, this isn’t a strong story that’s well told.
Since every actor in this film has at least one impressive performance on their resume, the lackluster performances may very well be a result of shaky direction.
Dakota Johnson’s understated acting style can be captivating in the right film (see Cha Cha Real Smooth). Madame Web is not the right film. Maybe she thought she would get more support (extra lighting or wind machines aimed accurately at her hair). Or perhaps the intention was to juxtapose her low key acting against a manic action film.
Sydney Sweeney is a very good actress, but she seems even more talented at topping every trending chart out there on the interwebs. Yet somehow, I had no idea she was in this film. Maybe she’s even better at trending - and not trending - than I thought.
FILM NERD STUFF: D-
The amount of product placement is obscene.
A classic “chicken or the egg” situation. Did the never-ending stream of neon Pepsi signs and Pepsi Company drinks bring me out of the film? Or did I just notice the incessant Pepsi promotion because I was never really into the film to begin with?
Maybe Sony had a good idea the movie was going to tank, so they tried to cut their losses by shoving as much Pepsi in our faces as they possibly could. Or perhaps the placement was there all along, visual proof that they were always concerned more about the bottom line than with making a quality movie.
ONCE MORE, WITH FEELING! (Elective Class): D
The film makes you wonder if the filmmakers put their full effort into it.
I taught middle school English for 23 years. As I was watching, I was reminded of a certain type of assignment I would (often) have to grade, an essay written by a kid who absolutely hates writing essays , who obviously did the bare minimum amount of work necessary to get a passing grade.
The fact that this film gives off the same vibe is the biggest mystery about Madame Web. Because I can’t imagine that people working on a film like this would do anything other than their best to make a great movie. I also can’t imagine Sony hired a bunch of people who weren’t very good at making movies.
I’m baffled, literally left scratching my head.
FINAL COMMENTS:
I’m sure Sony saw Madame Web as Chapter One of its next billion dollar franchise. It’s not that. Really, it’s too much to expect any movie to be that. Chapter Ones of franchises start with something magical, not something manufactured.
Madame Web is a jumbled, silly, mess of a movie. I’ve had some great times watching those kinds of movies. I can’t say I had a blast with this one, but it does feel like a movie we may look at with a different point of view in ten years. The Super Hero Golden Age may be over by then, and we’ll look at a film like this and wonder, what would it have been like if we had just accepted and enjoyed the misses for what they were and not for what they weren’t?